Immigrant Parent in the US

"Considering our history, I can think of nothing more American than an immigrant"--Conor Oberst

If you are an American you or one of your forefathers came here as an immigrant. I always wonder about the difficulties parents go through in giving birth and raising children in a culture different from where they were born and brought up. Right from the point a baby is conceived the immigrant couple realizes that the expectations around the expectant parents are different in their culture of origin versus the American culture.

Since I am of Asian Indian origin, I can talk more about the experiences of Asian Indian immigrant families. I remember when we were new to this country; I was both shocked and amused when one of our American couple friends who were planning to start a family (shamelessly!) announced to the world, “We are trying to get pregnant now!” I didn’t know how to respond. Traditionally in the Asian Indian culture, a couple did not announce the pregnancy until at least the second trimester or even for the whole nine months!! It might astonish women in the western world to know that still in many parts of rural India these ‘slap in the face of modern medicine’ practices hold true! There is very little awareness about prenatal visits, or prenatal care. Ideas about pregnancy passed down for generations might still be followed by young rural women under the guidance of their mother, mother-in-law or older women in the family. Of course there are deep socio-cultural reasons behind these practices. In the developing third world countries where traditionally the infant mortality rate was higher, it was considered inappropriate to announce the news until the safe delivery of a living baby (sometimes even waiting until 12 days after the birth to make sure the baby survived and thrived in those first few days). In the modern day however, with modern pregnancy and childbirth, more and more Asian Indian women have started announcing their pregnancies and having ‘baby shower parties’ before the baby is born just like in the western world. Also in the traditional India it was considered inauspicious to name a baby before it was born, the philosophy behind it being ‘not to give an identity and get attached to an unborn child’. A baby-naming ceremony took place only after 12 days or sometimes three months after birth. Till then the baby was called all sort of nicknames based on what the baby looked like or what its temperament was like.

Asian Indian culture, like all Asian cultures places value on having a male child. In the present day India, it is illegal to find out the gender of the baby prenatally due to high rate of female feoticide out of desire to have a male child. However, an Asian Indian immigrant couple who gives birth to their first child in the US has to be ready with baby names before they can bring the baby home from the hospital! So given a choice to find out the gender of the baby, they are happy to go with it. There are already tons of surprises when you are pregnant and giving birth to your baby in an alien culture. And then of course they have other practical considerations of making sure they follow the norm of getting blue things for a baby boy and pink things for the baby girl which is a very western concept. Back home, traditionally, both boys and girls are adorned in all types of colorful clothes. When my mom came from India to help with the delivery of my first child inthe US, she brought with her beautiful handmade sweaters and clothes of all colors, including pink! Since I had a baby boy, we couldn’t use the pinks! Of course, she was heart-broken when I gave away the pink clothes to another friend who had a baby girl around same time.

There are so many cultural differences that a new parent has to fight while raising a child in the US. Add to that the conundrum of an immigrant family who is not familiar with the US culture and norms around pregnancy and birth. Asian Indian females are generally speaking petite compared to caucasian counterparts and their belly may not show so much when they are even nine months pregnant. I remember getting anxious over comments made by my American friends and colleagues when I was nine months pregnant and did not show that rounded basketball belly that is portrayed in the media as the 'right size for a full nine month pregnant woman'. I got all sorts of comments ranging from "Really? are you sure you are nine months pregnant? " to " I am sure it must be a girl as girls are generally smaller"...I did not argue that we already know its a boy and that he is growing fine. Asian Indian babies are on an average 6 pounds at birth and that's what my baby was! A healthy bunch of joy.

Irrespective of your culture, once that little bundle of joy is placed in your hands for the first time, every mother of every color and hue feels utmost joy and exhilaration, forgetting all the trials that she went through in her 9 months of pregnancy. I remember, the day I gave birth to my first baby, I decided I wanted to do it all over again just for that feeling of ultimate joy of having created this new human being!! And I believe that is one feeling that is universally true for mothers, immigrant or not!

#AsianIndianparenting #immigrantparent