Parent-child relationship is like a ‘Rubber Band’

" Parent-Child Relationships can stretch us like rubber bands, sometimes to the point of breaking; they hollow us until our innards echo. They take us to the very edge and then call us back again"-- Adele Ryan McDowell, Ph.D a psychotherapist, teacher and a writer(2012)

Reading these words made me want to ponder more, dig down deeper and stretch my mind around this 'rubberband' as a metaphor for parent-child relationship' !

Being a parent is not just a milestone in one’s life, it is a birth of a new life itself! When a baby is born, so is a parent! Have you ever wondered “How did we spend our time before our first child came along?” Of course we were busy getting an education, working a job, pursuing a hobby, bonding with our spouse, partying with friends…but don’t we engage in most, if not all, of these endeavors today as well, as we parent our one, or two or N number of kids! I agree that not everybody can continue to do most of the things that they did before the baby came, especially women, who in most cases, choose to give up schooling or paid work outside the house to take care of the baby. But in general men and women are like rubber bands, they learn to expand their capabilities to be able to juggle work, parenting and leisure. Or should I say that’s their goal...to be able to do all those things and maintain their sanity, happiness and peace at the same time…!. This is the very crux that has puzzled me for a long time.

Once a rubber band expands, it is very likely that it loses its original shape and becomes more elongated or stretchy and flexible. Physically speaking that’s what happens to women in giving birth and taking care of a newborn. But I will not err by saying that it’s just the woman who aptly fits this metaphor. In today’s egalitarian modern suburban family it is both the man and the woman who take the responsibility for feeding, cleaning and doing everything that is needed to take care of their little bundle of joy! So most men also become very flexible, not only physically but also in terms of managing their schedules around the baby’s needs!

Just as rubber bands can be stretched in many different ways and still come back to their original shape once they are left alone, does a parent go back to his or her original self once the child is no longer a part of his or her life? This can mean either the child died, was given up for adoption, put into foster care or grew up and left the house to go to college , or that there was a divorce and you lost the custody or the child ran away, or was lost…! So many possibilities …why a parent might be left alone! But once you become a ‘parent’ there is something inside you that changes permanently so that even if the child is no longer a part of your life, you feel a ‘changed self’!! One can never go back to one’s own pre-parent stage.

Just like a rubber band, in a parent-child relationship we can get pulled in different directions, and if one of us let go the other might get hurt. It tests the end of our patience!! But then which relationship doesn’t? The stretch and stress can be experienced differently depending on at which end you are!! When you are the child, having that tug of war with the parent/s, you feel you know everything and you are RIGHT! And when two three decades later you find yourself in a similar war with YOUR CHILD, you are in a role of a parent and as unsure as if you are treading on eggshells!! Logically speaking that is weird and defies all rules of logic. Wouldn’t additional years of age and experience and the ‘one up’ of being in a ‘parent position’ give you that confidence and clarity of knowing that WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS RIGHT and that this is the best way to deal with this kid! But for eons this role reversal has taken place and will continue to take place.

And of course, once a rubber band is stretched beyond its limits it BREAKS! So can parent-child relationship…one might try to mend the relationship but it will never go back to it’s original intact nature! Just like a 'good rubber band' needs flexibility and plasticity to expand and contract as per need, so does a good parent-child relationship.

So hold on to your rubberbands as if they were made of gold;

The more valuable they become as they become old!

#parentingblog #parentingstress #parentchildrelationship